Wednesday, October 6, 2010

I dont miss the infusion room!

I had my last chemo on September 22nd. It felt so wonderful to march right in there, knowing it was my last time. Now I don't know what is in my future, but I do know all of the decisions which were made, were to prolong my life, so that I did not have a re-occurrence. So to my knowledge, that was my last time!

I must admit I feel proud of myself. Looking back, I don't know if I knew how I would feel once I had passed all 8 rounds of chemo.I don't even know if I knew I would survive it!

I even got a certificate of completion! Can you believe that? I passed my chemo!
They sang a little song to me (you know the cheesy ones they sing on your birthday?) it was that kind of rhyming song. They also gave me a little fleece blanket with my certificate of completion.

I would be lying if I said I wanted to go back to that infusion room, but I miss the people who helped and attended to me. I miss the little snack lady who would come by every so often to ask me if I needed a snack, or another pillow. I miss the other snack guy who, at one point almost made sense when he ever so carefully tried to explain how medicinal marijuana was really good for the pain while you have cancer. He had lost a "partner" to cancer and his partner could attest to the comfort of the plant.
I made new friends every time I went and learned many things about people during my chemo sessions.

I am so very grateful for the time that has already passed. I am grateful to be in the hands of such fine doctors. I am excited to enter a new phase of the healing process, to take on the new challenges which await me on level 1 of the Huntsman Center, the radiation floor.

Its good to know I can still go up to level 2. I have nurses and doctors who carefully planned as a team, in prolonging my life.

I know that from this experience I have grown tremendously. I have a different perspective on life. I see things completely different than I did before. Many things don't matter to me anymore.

I cant say I am completely purged of my selfish wants and desires. I am still VERY human. The chemo didn't kill my desires to obtain and progress. I still have thoughts of walking into Tai Pan and filling my cart so my house feels more comfortable. Its just different because before I would have told myself to work, work, work and I can fill that cart. Now I think snuggling with my girls would feel more comfortable than an up to date house with all of the new vinyl trends and popular colors on my walls. Not that I wouldn't still want those things, its just that I cant obtain them on the worlds terms of debts and additional financial burdens.
If anyone knows me, they would know this really IS a change for me!

What if I died with the perfect house and newest buckle jeans? I would rather die with a sure knowledge that my girls knew my goal in life was to be a mother and how much I loved them and my husband felt I respected him and would essentially miss the fact that I was the only one who could ever understand what he really felt, that his kids knew I tried my best and that my activity day girls remember how the spirit feels when you make the right choices in life.

I cant say I have mastered any or all of these things, but I can say this experience makes me remember I am just here on this earth for a little while. We are in an earthly probation. Cancer is just a very small part of my life, and I needed to have this trial so that I could make my way to my eternal salvation.

I am very humbled to have been chosen to have this experience. I know if you aren't growing, you are failing. If you are living your life and never have any problems, you aren't going to learn. You remain still and stagnant.

I would invite all things , good and bad to come if they will make me stronger, so that I may shine as a daughter of our Heavenly Father and I will try ever so hard to love it.
I have great desires to make Him proud to have sent me to this earth at this time and this place.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Hello...are you alive...YES

Well much has occurred in the last month. I just finished my 6th chemo on Wednesday the 24th.
I can't believe I am almost done with this part of the cancer!
I feel really strong today. It might have something to do with the steroids? Just kidding about that...though they do pump me full of steroids the day before and the day of the chemo.

My chemo regimen changed on chemo #5. It was super fantastic compared to the first four treatments I had, which left me swallowed in the depths of my couch throwing up and helpless for 8 weeks. I am not saying I would recommended chemo to people without cancer, I am just saying that this drug has been more forgiving to me.

I am week, and my body aches, my head hurts, but I am not throwing up! I can plan a few hours with a friend, and get my daughter off to school. I can post a facebook comment from my computer instead of my cell phone and can park in a normal parking spot instead of the handicapped....mostly.

Wednesdays chemo was good. It was a very long day though. This new infusion lasts 4 hours. It makes for a really long day when you have to have labs and a Dr visit before hand.

We got to Huntsman at 9:30 am and left at 5pm. That's a full working day, and I didn't even take a lunch!

I found out I am fighting another skin infection. It is a good thing we caught it fast. I found out my final reconstruction surgery may be a little harder than I anticipated because of my infections. It may result in two surgeries. Blaaa! I am typically so focused on the end, I forget to think about today. So for right now, and maybe just for this post, I am going to slide into denial and not going to talk about my upcoming surgeries.

This round of chemo I went with one of my neighborhood moms. It was great to have her with me, though I feel bad for falling asleep from the benadryl they gave me.

We enjoyed each others company from the drive there and back. It was very comforting to have her with me. Oh how I am blessed with such good people around me!

I met a new friend at infusion. She was such a ray of sunshine. She had breast cancer 12 years ago and is going through it again. She is on the end of it though, for this 2nd time.
It was great to talk to her about what to expect. It was great to see her cute hairstyle, short and curly. She had such a great big smile on her face, I couldn't help but feel such hope inside.

I really think the Lord made it so that we would cross paths on Wednesday. I could have talked to her during the entire infusion, but they put us on opposite ends of the room. We did get to chat before infusion....and that in its self was a blessing.

I got to talk with my wonderful Seattle Mom today. Shes my Marriott Mom! She's as strong as they come! I am not kidding you...I am who I am today because of her.
She was great to talk with as well. She gave me a ton of encouragement, a bunch of advice, and a dandy lift of spirits. I just love her so much! My heart aches for the good friends I miss right now in Seattle.
When I beat cancer thing I totally need to visit Seattle. It is my peaceful place!
I have a ton of hope today. I guess when that happens its a good thing.

I have much to be thankful for, and I am very grateful for the rain that is falling outside this moment.

I too should remember to "Come what May and Love it"
I forgot in the last few sorry to those who may have seen me at my weak moments!

Friday, July 23, 2010

It was a good, good day

Today was a good day and yes,
I am here, alive, for anyone still interested in me or my life.
This morning I learned three valuable things from three totally different sources
and here they are:

#1 There are cute blogs out there, you just need to change them.
So sorry for anyone who followed me before. Can you believe I had the worlds most boring template, with a bunch of bald pictures of me on it? So, if you still follow me, this site will get a make over...just be patient. If you are still interested that is.

#2 I should blog even on the Xela and the very horrible no good very bad days, days, but not on the days when, and if, I cant get off the couch because I am fighting 3 infections, which I don't know about yet, so I am aching in pain, on the couch... sending my 6 year old to the kitchen for food into the pantry of death (smells like that because I left a bag of oranges in the corner and they rotted but I didn't find them until I threw up in the trash because of the smell) anyway...where was I?

I will separate the paragraph because I believe this is a poprocks moment...I just know it! That is what they would call me at work...because I bounced from subject to subject....

So the point being, I should blog more, unless I need to be admitted to the hospital!

By the way, I did get admitted to the hospital. After Mondays total couch day and after suffering and laying there in the complete anguish, Tuesday I woke up in so much pain I couldn't deal with it anymore.
We dropped the girls off at my sister in laws house without much notice and drove to the hospital.
Every minute in the car was horrible. I felt as if my life were ending (remember I don't know I am fighting 3 infections yet).
I plead with the Lord to take it from me. I begged....and cried the whole way.
All I could utter was "No No No No No!"
My thoughts were more geared into thinking it was the chemo, and it didn't occur to me that I could really be sick. I kept thinking I would not go in for another chemo, that I would quit and not continue, if this was how it would be.

That drive to Huntsman went on would think there would be a Huntsman drive by now...from the freeway straight to the there is an idea! Thousands work up there every day, why not a Huntsman drive?

It will probably come after my cancer is through. The U was under construction the entire time I was pregnant, Huntsman is under construction right now while I have cancer...why not make the drive easier....after we make all those trips up there.
Ok enough said....the drive was horrible.

We finally make it up there Tuesday morning and I am just out of control tears while my husband is wheeling me through the lobby, elevators and finally to the desk.

They immediately got me in. Thank goodness because there was another cancer guy there waiting, he was dressed all nice and kind of GQed out and bald like me, but a guy, and I swear he had just had a talk with Tony Robins. He looked like a million bucks and I was still in my pj's crying in a wheel chair.

They took care of me real quickly though. They gathered all of the blood and urine they could ever want and went straight to work.

I felt a lot better even being there because I knew I would get help.
They got an IV in after an hour and besides laying on an exam table for 3 hours after that, I felt pretty darn good.

I laid on the table in a ball while they were finding out what the source of this whole things could be and they found 3 sources....3 infections, one very big one.

Not going to share what they were, because, well, that's just personal and you will just have to talk to me face to face or wonder the rest of your life, that is if you still care or want to follow me with my out of date blog and all.

So I was indeed sick. Pretty sick. Like it was a good thing I came in and I would defiantly die quickly if not treated, kind of sick. Duh though, I would have died from the pain anyway.
After all of that, I was admitted and given a more comfortable bed that's really, still not comfortable...but better than the couch piece thing that my husband would be sleeping on that very night.

I stayed put there for 24 hours. It seemed to do the trick, and so I am here now, nearly 5 am, have not slept for the night, writing my blog.

Oh and I have a #3 to tell!

#3 I have gained some knowledge this morning that will be helpful in helping me survive this cancer and help me to be healthy and happier as a person, inside and out.

It is my assured knowledge that the Lord knows where to guide certain people into my life. I dare say....oh I will say it....had I not had a conversation with this person this morning I may have wasted many more future days or weeks with this disease and not have learned a thing. I would have passed by so many opportunities that are really at my door right this moment even.
So thank you...angel sent from heaven. Thank you for your friendship and for being in my life, and coming back into my life for that matter!

I think that's it for today. After all I covered last night and this morning in one!

and so, Come what may...and Love it! Because guess what, I have something to learn from all of this and either way, I am going to grow and change.
It is better than staying stagnant and not growing.
Today I am even more thankful for this trial...and pain medication.

Thank you for all of your support!

Thursday, July 15, 2010

The funny things about this...

This last week was a challenge, emotionally and physically. Despite the changes, I needed to get out of the house. A date was in order and so we went, even though there were now apparent changes to my hair. (Thanks Anne)
It was my first time out in public without a hat or scarf or anything. I was nervous. Maybe it was because Mike needed a hair cut so bad and I now had shorter hair than he did.

It was an experience watching other people watch me. I am learning what it feels like to not care what they think, just how to get comfortable with myself. I was confident that this was the right choice. I also knew I would be having the entire thing shaved at the rate those little hairs were shedding on my pillow...eewee!

I went to a family reunion with my scarf...because this was what was underneath...patches and patches. Not something I could deal with any longer....and this smile is fake by the way.

We had fun, and it was nice to get out. The very next day this is what happened.....

You can see I was a little nervous. It is my head for heavens sake...and a razor went on top!
I knew I had to face it eventually.
I will have to admit though, when it was all over, every time I look in the mirror, I scare myself a bit. My head is so white...and I look like an alien. Hmmm...whateva! It is what it is. I was so scared I would scare my little girls when they woke up the next morning. Edyn just started patting my head and saying. "Fuzzy fuzzy, all gone, Mommy has no hair or fuzzy fuzzy!"
Don't you love how kids are honest and don't judge but just love you back unconditionally.
Morghan told me I had a pretty face, then rubbed my eyebrows. I asked her politely to not touch them. I am thinking I am lucky to have them and my eyelashes as well, better not mess with them right? Morghan is such a sweet girl about it...though today she asked me if on the first day of school, I would wear my wig....what do you suppose that means?

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Pictures from the last few week

Edyn grabbed a bunch of hair from my head, you can see it just started falling 0ut.

Yea...the humor was in Grandpa always told me to eat my vegetables and I would get hair on my chest....he would be proud!

Day 13 of Chemo

I woke up looking forward to a hot shower just like the rest of my mornings, only to find many, many strands of hair to come out, I knew this day was coming, so I hurried on with my shower and carefully finished getting ready for the day.
That very night I decided to take another shower (I am a hygiene freak...two showers a day is a requirement for me.)

This was a lot more hard. What the heck happens to your hair in 12 hours? I started pulling out chunks.
This was then when I fell apart. I had so much hair just falling down the drain. I did a little hair art on the shower wall and quickly got out.
This for me was the final realization, I have cancer, and everything they are telling me is real. It was my time to finally let go and grieve.
That was a hard day.
I knew how I wanted to approach things though. My husband cut it for me. I will no doubt post pictures. Some of them a little scary, but I was so sick from the chemo that day, please bare with me.
That was day # 13 from the first chemo treatment I had.

Now what do I say from my adapted motto "Come what may and love it"

I am just having a hard week, but this too shall pass. Its just hair, and its who I am, I have freaking cancer, and I have the Lord on my side...what else could be better than knowing of the richness and fullness of the Gospel and a sweet understanding of the Atonement. Though I still don't understand "why me?" For this I am grateful and humbled to know the Lord is watching out for me, even with this great trial he has blessed me with. We cannot move on until we have learned what pain feels like.

Friday, June 25, 2010

I am back...

I have been a little hesitant to get back on here. I have had some pretty emotional days as of late.
Since the last post, I have my port placed on June 11
th. It was pretty easy for me. It will be such a life savor for me during this entire process.

I had my first round of chemo on Wed June 16
We arrived at 8 in the morning. The first thing they did was some blood work on me. They ensure my white cells are where they need to be. They mix the chemo blend according to my labs that day. They then begun the infusion through my port. I didn't feel them accessing my port at all. This port thing is such a wonderful thing!

It took about 4 hours when it was all said and done. I fell asleep for some of it and was off in a daze for the rest. I think I need to get a major playlist going on for the future. Music may really help me get through this.

We went to go home and that's when I could feel it. I felt like I needed to lay down in the fetal position. I was exhausted from the treatment already. So Mike drove me home while I laid all of the seats down flat in the back of our pilot. I was so tired I didn't care my dog has just been back there a week ago...
ugghh! Next time I will bring my favorite snugly blanket and a pillow for the ride home.
Its always good to know what to expect for the next time. I am glad the first one is done and I have 7 more to go.
I ended up feeling like I had the flu for about 5 days. I was very tired, achy and fatigued for that time. After the 5
th day, I started to feel a little better. It was really good to have the option to just go to sleep when I needed to. I was lucky enough to have my 12 year old niece Megan with me that very week. She played with my girls and kept them occupied. It was a definite blessing for me to have her around.
Sunday morning we went for a little bike ride and it felt good to get some fresh air.

So that is my first chemo experience.
I have felt pretty fatigued and achy again today. I think things are starting to take effects. It has been reminded to me by my oncologist that my days with hair are now very limited....but you know what i can say, this too shall pass and hair is just hair.

Come what may and
Lovin it...right?

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

New Information

I have had a really tough time processing things lately. The last 2 weeks have been prep and prepare for me. I have had some time to evaluate what my future holds and the next steps I will need to take to get through this.

The surgery is still rough for me. I still carry the little grenades hanging from under my arm pits. I have had to be pretty clever about either hiding them or stashing them down my pants....yeah, its weird. They hold the remaining fluid from the surgery. Hopefully the will die on Friday! ( I mean remove them) I have already had 1 removed and still have 2 more hanging out with me. They go with me every where, and even in the shower.

I also cut my hair last week. I was able to donate 11 inches to locks of love. I have NEVER had my hair so short, but then again, in another few weeks, I will be able to say that again.

Lets see, my daughters dad (ex husband) surprised me with a shaved head and a pink Mohawk. I about died when he walked into my house with Morghan. Apparently they had planned it with my sister in law all along. It looks pretty crazy I will have to admit, but made me cry for the support even he makes on my behalf. I am lucky to have such a healthy relationship with him, we know its all about Morghan and for this I am also grateful.
Also my friend Tami and her daughter dyed parts of their hair pink in support of my cause. It has been really wonderful to see so much support. Sometimes I feel like I am in a dream.

In the month of May, everything has happened so fast for us. So many questions, possibilities and scenarios, how do you decide and ensure you make those choices the best you can, in a limited amount of time...putting your life in the hands of these medical professionals. We know they will take care of me, but there are so many doctors on my team, I cant remember their names and what part they have with my cancer.

So I had 2 appointments today.This morning I had a small procedure which left me a little groggy. Things went well and off we went to the next appointment. This one was with the Oncologist. So much information! She let me know the tumor in my left side lymph node was a bit bigger than expected. They now tell me I am at a stage 3, because of this. The treatment will be harsh and very aggressive to ensure the tumor did not spread.
I am scheduled for an echo-cardiogram on Thursday. Friday I have yet another surgery to have my port placed beneath my collar bone.
A port is a small square shaped device placed under the skin so that the chemo can be inserted through this devise instead of a vein every time. The port will really help while the drugs are given throughout these 16 weeks.

They gave me an entire page full of information on my anti nausea regimen. It contained specific instructions day by day following each dose of chemo. There are 8 different medications I will be taking, just to help with this. I am so excited to see if they work, because this very thing has been my biggest worry.

I will be taking 3 different medications not all at once.I have an 8 week cycle of one combination and then another 8 week cycle of the other combination of drugs.

The list of side effects for each drug is daunting, but choosing to not take the treatment is obviously not an option for me.

So Friday is port day. I have the weekend off from medical visits and also Monday and Tuesday.
I start chemo on Wednesday. Yes, Wednesday is the day of the beginning of my true fight against this whole ordeal.

I gather I may get to know people going through the very same thing. Maybe I will make new friends. I am trying to look at the bright side of things, it has just been so surreal as of late.

I know I am allowed to have my ups and downs. The other day is just kind of hit me. I have breast cancer. Why me? They say I am in excellent health, young and vibrant. I wish I knew the answer right now, but I guess this too shall pass. No doubt the answers will come at some point or another, and there are 2 ways of looking at things. I could just be pissed off and grouchy, or freaking strong and brave. I am choosing bravery today.
My family needs me. my girls need a mother. I need to be there for them. I need to exhibit strong behavior my them to look upon perhaps later in life. My husband needs a wife. We have been through so much together already, this is just another piece of the puzzle.

Again, thank you to all of you for your kind support and love. I feel so very blessed to have such an group of positive influences around me. I am a lucky, lucky girl
I feel every ones support and prayers. I am at peace with the decisions we have made with my treatment. I am totally nervous, but very ready to tackle this beast.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Well that was NOT fun!

No, I didn't have fun in surgery. There...that question is answered.
It was sure fun getting there though.
Mike and I spent the night in Salt Lake and we both woke up very was 3:30am....the day of surgery.
Neither of us could get back to sleep, so we packed our stuff up from our luxurious stay at the Full service Hilton downtown Salt Lake.

While many people would say "oohh la la" about us staying at a full service Hilton, we were just there to find peace from the upcoming storm. Although I still don't get too razzed up, staying in nice hotels, IE: Marriott and Hilton products. It was nice. It was also as if it were decades ago in which I was professionally managed them. Weird how life changes so rapidly.

I didn't even inspect the room! (though many thoughts entered my head about some notable deficiencies)
Anyway...we decided to get some munchies for Mike while I was in surgery, and we ran across the chevron Breast cancer car. They had some 2008 and 2007 editions, but we thought it would be cool to have a 2010. Off we went, I googled all of the chevrons in salt lake and at 4:30 in the morning, we went from chevron to chevron to find that car. We thought it would be a funny way to remember what we had done. We didn't find a 2010 car, but settled for a 2009 car we found somewhere in Midvale, I think.

We then found ourselves destined for something cool. I remembered they had made a breast cancer barbie. So we found a 24 hour Wal-Mart and went looking for that. No pink barbie, but we did find a barbie that you could color her hair pink! I passed with that expense. So with a few more stops at Maverick and 7-11's, we couldn't find any pink tic-tacs either. Oh well, I had my car!
Long story short, we get to the hospital at 6:30.....and wait and wait and wait...and the surgery before me went over, so I finally got in for surgery at 2:30. Mike and I were trashed!

I remember waking up from surgery really parched and my lips were incredibly chapped! The surgery went for 5 hours! I feel bad for Mike, having to wait that long.
and so it went, I thew up until Wednesday morning until 7am. That's all I did. That anesthesia really did a number on me!
But I am here today, writing my blog, and proud to say...."I had a bilateral mastectomy...and I am here!"
I am in pain, but it is what it is. The upcoming road scares me quite a bit, but what will be will be....

Come what may and Love it, right?
I will let you all know when I have the "Love it" down. Maybe I need to go through this to help someone else, or my own girls in their future...who knows?

Sunday, May 23, 2010

This is the beginning of the beginning

Surgery tomorrow, need to be there extra early because they will shoot me up with this radioactive dye, which will let them know where the majority of the cancer is in the lymph nodes.
Surgery at noon. I am not sure how I feel about all of this. I have so many things going through my mind it is hard to sort them out.
When they called me to ensure I knew what do before the surgery they said:
"Fast from midnight lotions, perfumes or make jewelry."
I will have to admit, the only thing I really heard was "no lotions, or makeup"
I go into surgery feeling like they will rip me all apart...and I cant even make myself up to feel good about it.
I would like to apologize for anyone who visits before surgery...if I smell or scare you with my pasty while skin....just a warning, so don't be scared.

Here it goes....

This too shall pass...and
Come what may, and love it.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Ya, not such a good day...

So this last appointment, the one that I thought was the last, but really wasn't, cause tomorrow I have another one, anyway...the last appointment I went to, well it took the positive right out of me. I am afraid they caught my weak spot.

The Oncologist asked me what was the single most important thing he needed to know about me with this cancer.

I looked him straight in the eye...I will have to admit, I thought of allot of things I could tell him, but being a complete stranger and not wanting to waste his salary, I let him know.

" I do not want this to affect me having more kids"....

"Well...that, my dear, we will have to work with..." the doctor wasn't really kidding. When you dump that many chemicals into a persons body, you are likely to affect something. Chemo is a 4 step medicine process.
So many things can go wrong! What the crap? I have cancer...that is bad news, but I can beat it, it will go away.I am tough right?
They can take everything I have left from my body, but please, no, not my decision and right to choose to have another baby.

Now I know most of you may ask me what went wrong in my little brain that I would want to the very impossible
(for me), yet one more time. When its right, its right...and I didn't like what they were telling me.

So, to spare the details of how on earth I would want to attempt they put it "spare my fertility" we have yet another appointment tomorrow. Yuck! I thought I would have a day off!

So while I am healthy, and thinking somewhat...well thinking...I will say this:

This too shall pass....with a pinch of faith...and only because I am trying to have fun with my little adventure here, and only because my wonderful, dear friend and neighborhood mother can think of writing poems about my very dicy decision of Cheerios, Doughnuts or Angel Food cake...(that poem may end up on here, I will have to ask permission though, its great!)
and only because my sister in law gave me glitter gel toes and finger nails...and dyed my hair pink...I can attempt to blog tonight.

Yes, I have some of my hair dyed pink...really pink, like pink, pink. I know, I am so crazy! Its all gotta go in the next 4 weeks anyway, why not be daring and bold. Make a mark here on this Syracuse, er Tuscany Meadows...whatever.

Who knows, maybe the entire ward will support me and dye one or two strands pink...maybe I will start something...can you imagine the old lady's and little girls with pink strands of hair?
I love that Morghan immediately wanted to be just like me. I only hope she doesn't want to shave her head. Ya, I don't think I will have a problem with that.

I did tell her she could do it. She will totally remember it for the rest of her life. Remember when mom let me dye a strand or two pink when I was 6? Look, some of it is still there.
Oh my Moe! How I love her!

So, I am a lucky Mom of two beautiful girls, and bonus Mom of three other of Heavenly Fathers children.
I love my husband...much much much! So grateful for him.

A day at a time...that's all I need to focus on. Why is it so hard for me though? I always think at least 3 years out!

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

You are going to do what to my....huh?

Well yesterday was a bit to swallow. Plastic surgery is one of those things I guess. You are either going in because you don't like the way your body is, or your body doesn't like the way you are. I will have to admit, I didn't think it was going to be that graphic.
I wish I didn't have to do this, really. I guess I need to step back and realize that when I come forth on the morning of the first Resurrection, I will be made whole again. Its one of those things though, I guess.

The surgeon's explanation was thorough, but didn't leave me with a beautiful feeling. I know I have probably created another image in my head. I thought about asking for evidence of his previous work, but would that offend him? I just want to know I wont look like that one dude from nightmare before Christmas, because that was what I had pictured.
OK, let it go Shayla. You are at the best with the best...everything will be fine. Put it into the Lords hands.
There, done,

So this is a blog on my Breast Cancer adventure, right? No need to get graphic on here. If you want to know how my appointment went, I will just say the entire plastic surgery thing is for me to know, and only my husband to find out....and for any of you who cover their ears when a boob, or nipple is mentioned (Peat Litster) I have breast cancer. There is no way of hiding the fact that they will do this to my that and then add this and that is what will look like.
I am so going to wear a proud shirt when this is all done. The nurse already gave me a shirt that says:
"of course these are fake, the real ones tried to kill me" Gotta love it.

On a different note-
Today I meet with the Oncology group. I wonder how much I can absorb after yesterdays slightly pornographic education, with me as the subject for study. Yeah it was weird, and though that resident was helpful in answering some of my statistical questions, he was young, handsome and it was a little, er lot uncomfortable.

The Oncologist will let me know the best chemo for my situation. Its funny because most of the Drs tell me....but this is only what I recommend. It is always your choice. It puts things into perspective. I have the choice to live or die...uhh...ok. I guess I will take the advice you give me. Granted some of the things they tell me, there is an actual choice, but very limited in my situation.

I think I am done blogging for today. I had a great night of sleep, which is amazing as of late. I like to sleep , because in my dreams I don't have cancer. I am just a regular Shayla doing regular things. Its nice, then I wake up and I realize I better get going because I have another appointment. It is going to be a year of appointments! This too shall pass, right?

Just one last thing---
I apologize to those of you who I have not spoken to, on this kind of level. Some may feel they deserve a more personal explanation, others may not even care.It is too hard to tell one person all of this kind of stuff, then repeat it 100 more times that day.
I am on information overload right now. I have done my best to get my self ready, daughter off to school, baby in the appropriate hands, and then I am off to Huntsman, or the U. This has been my schedule, literally an appointment everyday, which lasts for hours. You can see, that doesn't leave me nearly enough time to get home, be with my family, process it, and go to sleep.

Please know that I wish I could answer everyones phone calls, really. Those who know me, know I would be on the phone all day with my friends and family, if possible. I am a talker! So if you call, which is fine right now, I will do my best to answer. Text is always great too! This is just a better way to update those concerned, and thank you so much for your continued support. It really means everything to me.

COME WHAT MAY AND LOVE IT....(trying really hard today to love my body)

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Understanding what lies ahead

I went to my initial Dr. appointment yesterday. The good people at Huntsman really made it easy to deal with things. other than the scale they immediately put me on. We didn't really agree, but what does it matter, I have Breast Cancer. I do understand there are more important things on my plate.

We met with the Surgeon and talked about my pathology report. He even let me take a copy home with gonna scrapbook it!
The pathology report identified the exact findings of the lump, calcification's and where we were at on the lymph nodes.
Invasive Ductal Carcinoma, Mucinous type, Moderatly differentiated, modified scarff bloom-richardson grade 2 of 3. Tubules: 2 Nuclei:3 Mitoses:1
ER Positive strong (90%)
PR Positive Strong (60%)
HER2/NEU Equivocal (2+)

There is that for anyone who cares...I am just understanding this myself.

Together, we all decided to do a double mastectomy. Yes double. I really don't want my tissue turning on me again in the next 10 years. So I decided to just have them take it all. The chance of it returning to the right side is high, and I dont want this to affect how I live my life, so I said just take it all baby, take it all!
While they are in there, they will take a look at what the lymph nodes are doing. Hopefully those little nodes did their job and didn't let anything escape. I guess we will worry about that when the time comes. I don't want to get myself all worked up about where else these little nasty bugs went throughout my body.
The good thing is, they will do most of the reconstructive surgery at the same time.

Surgery is scheduled for Monday May 24th. When I am healed from this first step, we will begin chemo. Most likely in about 3 weeks time.

Am I scared, without a doubt. I had the crappiest, most miserable pregnancy with Edyn, so I think I can get through this. I explained what I went through being pregnant to the nurse. IV's the entire time, home health care, feeding tube, etc. etc. for those of you who saw what occurred. I cant do it justice in writing. Lets just saw you had to be there.

The nurse was astounded and let me know, I may be one of the strongest chemo patients!
Maybe she doesn't know how vain I can me. I really liked my hair!

It made me feel good to know this though. I feel incredibly fortunate...yes...I said fortunate, that my pregnancy prepared me for this trial. I found a new inner strength through this thought, which brings me hope and a peaceful spirit. Its only a year of my life, or 5 as most admit
So I will look like Charlie Brown, gotta love the humer in that. My sister in law is a beautician and cant wait for me to help her tap into the "bald" market. So I let Morghan bedazzle me, or I wear a know the ones I forced my babies to wear when since they to were bald. We will get creative and laugh along the way.

I hate this, but I love it to. I am just me and not someone else I love.
What will the Lord teach me through this experience? I hope to be teachable to his whisperings.

This is defiantly Atonement worthy...that's why it is there, and I am gonna use it.

So watch and see...I will post pics as soon as I can.
I will try Elder Joseph B Wirthlin

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

How this came to be...

No doubt many of you wonder what my story is and how this all came to be. I just turned 30, I am a pretty healthy, active individual. I eat very healthy and take my supplements.

Apparently there isn't anything I could have done to prevent this. It is quite hereditary and this is something I obviously would not have known about.

I went into the Dr for my yearly exam, you know the one all of us women dread. I knew something was wrong though. I had felt a lump on my breast a few weeks prior, but I figured it was just something I would ask about.

My Dr. suggested I be seen at the Huntsman Cancer Treatment Center. She assured me they would be able to get to the bottom of things.

I was quickly scheduled for that very next week. They preformed an ultrasound and also a mammogram.
They immediately suggested I get a biopsy. We went in the very next morning for the biopsy where I was poked and prodded for 4 hours. Yes, it hurt. They took several samples from the lump, the calcification's and the very enlarged lymph node.

On Tuesday May 11th at 12:15 in the afternoon I received the call.
They said those words I had been dreading. " I am so sorry, Shayla, you have Breast Cancer"

I have cancer in the lump, in the calcification's running wild and show signs of cancer throughout my lymph nodes.

I knew it though, I had a feeling. I kept my composure for all of about 4 rings on the phone to my husbands work.
He answered and I lost it.
Its a good thing to have such a great husband. I know he is hurting, yet he has been so strong.

Yes....I have Breast Cancer, and yes, I am scared of the long road in front of me. I go in for a pre-op this Monday so we can make a plan of attack on treatments and so forth.

I can say today, I look forward to seeing what the Lord will teach me through these trying times. I cannot do this alone and I am eternally grateful for my loving Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ. Together and through the Atonement, this too shall pass.

I love all of you guys so much. I know for a fact each and every one of you has been placed in my path for a very distinct reason. Thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers and support. It means everything and I feel stronger already to know how many friends and family I have to support me.