Wednesday, October 6, 2010

I dont miss the infusion room!

I had my last chemo on September 22nd. It felt so wonderful to march right in there, knowing it was my last time. Now I don't know what is in my future, but I do know all of the decisions which were made, were to prolong my life, so that I did not have a re-occurrence. So to my knowledge, that was my last time!

I must admit I feel proud of myself. Looking back, I don't know if I knew how I would feel once I had passed all 8 rounds of chemo.I don't even know if I knew I would survive it!

I even got a certificate of completion! Can you believe that? I passed my chemo!
They sang a little song to me (you know the cheesy ones they sing on your birthday?) it was that kind of rhyming song. They also gave me a little fleece blanket with my certificate of completion.

I would be lying if I said I wanted to go back to that infusion room, but I miss the people who helped and attended to me. I miss the little snack lady who would come by every so often to ask me if I needed a snack, or another pillow. I miss the other snack guy who, at one point almost made sense when he ever so carefully tried to explain how medicinal marijuana was really good for the pain while you have cancer. He had lost a "partner" to cancer and his partner could attest to the comfort of the plant.
I made new friends every time I went and learned many things about people during my chemo sessions.

I am so very grateful for the time that has already passed. I am grateful to be in the hands of such fine doctors. I am excited to enter a new phase of the healing process, to take on the new challenges which await me on level 1 of the Huntsman Center, the radiation floor.

Its good to know I can still go up to level 2. I have nurses and doctors who carefully planned as a team, in prolonging my life.

I know that from this experience I have grown tremendously. I have a different perspective on life. I see things completely different than I did before. Many things don't matter to me anymore.

I cant say I am completely purged of my selfish wants and desires. I am still VERY human. The chemo didn't kill my desires to obtain and progress. I still have thoughts of walking into Tai Pan and filling my cart so my house feels more comfortable. Its just different because before I would have told myself to work, work, work and I can fill that cart. Now I think snuggling with my girls would feel more comfortable than an up to date house with all of the new vinyl trends and popular colors on my walls. Not that I wouldn't still want those things, its just that I cant obtain them on the worlds terms of debts and additional financial burdens.
If anyone knows me, they would know this really IS a change for me!

What if I died with the perfect house and newest buckle jeans? I would rather die with a sure knowledge that my girls knew my goal in life was to be a mother and how much I loved them and my husband felt I respected him and would essentially miss the fact that I was the only one who could ever understand what he really felt, that his kids knew I tried my best and that my activity day girls remember how the spirit feels when you make the right choices in life.

I cant say I have mastered any or all of these things, but I can say this experience makes me remember I am just here on this earth for a little while. We are in an earthly probation. Cancer is just a very small part of my life, and I needed to have this trial so that I could make my way to my eternal salvation.

I am very humbled to have been chosen to have this experience. I know if you aren't growing, you are failing. If you are living your life and never have any problems, you aren't going to learn. You remain still and stagnant.

I would invite all things , good and bad to come if they will make me stronger, so that I may shine as a daughter of our Heavenly Father and I will try ever so hard to love it.
I have great desires to make Him proud to have sent me to this earth at this time and this place.