Friday, July 23, 2010

It was a good, good day

Today was a good day and yes,
I am here, alive, for anyone still interested in me or my life.
This morning I learned three valuable things from three totally different sources
and here they are:

#1 There are cute blogs out there, you just need to change them.
So sorry for anyone who followed me before. Can you believe I had the worlds most boring template, with a bunch of bald pictures of me on it? So, if you still follow me, this site will get a make over...just be patient. If you are still interested that is.

#2 I should blog even on the Xela and the very horrible no good very bad days, days, but not on the days when, and if, I cant get off the couch because I am fighting 3 infections, which I don't know about yet, so I am aching in pain, on the couch... sending my 6 year old to the kitchen for food into the pantry of death (smells like that because I left a bag of oranges in the corner and they rotted but I didn't find them until I threw up in the trash because of the smell) anyway...where was I?

I will separate the paragraph because I believe this is a poprocks moment...I just know it! That is what they would call me at work...because I bounced from subject to subject....

So the point being, I should blog more, unless I need to be admitted to the hospital!

By the way, I did get admitted to the hospital. After Mondays total couch day and after suffering and laying there in the complete anguish, Tuesday I woke up in so much pain I couldn't deal with it anymore.
We dropped the girls off at my sister in laws house without much notice and drove to the hospital.
Every minute in the car was horrible. I felt as if my life were ending (remember I don't know I am fighting 3 infections yet).
I plead with the Lord to take it from me. I begged....and cried the whole way.
All I could utter was "No No No No No!"
My thoughts were more geared into thinking it was the chemo, and it didn't occur to me that I could really be sick. I kept thinking I would not go in for another chemo, that I would quit and not continue, if this was how it would be.

That drive to Huntsman went on would think there would be a Huntsman drive by now...from the freeway straight to the there is an idea! Thousands work up there every day, why not a Huntsman drive?

It will probably come after my cancer is through. The U was under construction the entire time I was pregnant, Huntsman is under construction right now while I have cancer...why not make the drive easier....after we make all those trips up there.
Ok enough said....the drive was horrible.

We finally make it up there Tuesday morning and I am just out of control tears while my husband is wheeling me through the lobby, elevators and finally to the desk.

They immediately got me in. Thank goodness because there was another cancer guy there waiting, he was dressed all nice and kind of GQed out and bald like me, but a guy, and I swear he had just had a talk with Tony Robins. He looked like a million bucks and I was still in my pj's crying in a wheel chair.

They took care of me real quickly though. They gathered all of the blood and urine they could ever want and went straight to work.

I felt a lot better even being there because I knew I would get help.
They got an IV in after an hour and besides laying on an exam table for 3 hours after that, I felt pretty darn good.

I laid on the table in a ball while they were finding out what the source of this whole things could be and they found 3 sources....3 infections, one very big one.

Not going to share what they were, because, well, that's just personal and you will just have to talk to me face to face or wonder the rest of your life, that is if you still care or want to follow me with my out of date blog and all.

So I was indeed sick. Pretty sick. Like it was a good thing I came in and I would defiantly die quickly if not treated, kind of sick. Duh though, I would have died from the pain anyway.
After all of that, I was admitted and given a more comfortable bed that's really, still not comfortable...but better than the couch piece thing that my husband would be sleeping on that very night.

I stayed put there for 24 hours. It seemed to do the trick, and so I am here now, nearly 5 am, have not slept for the night, writing my blog.

Oh and I have a #3 to tell!

#3 I have gained some knowledge this morning that will be helpful in helping me survive this cancer and help me to be healthy and happier as a person, inside and out.

It is my assured knowledge that the Lord knows where to guide certain people into my life. I dare say....oh I will say it....had I not had a conversation with this person this morning I may have wasted many more future days or weeks with this disease and not have learned a thing. I would have passed by so many opportunities that are really at my door right this moment even.
So thank you...angel sent from heaven. Thank you for your friendship and for being in my life, and coming back into my life for that matter!

I think that's it for today. After all I covered last night and this morning in one!

and so, Come what may...and Love it! Because guess what, I have something to learn from all of this and either way, I am going to grow and change.
It is better than staying stagnant and not growing.
Today I am even more thankful for this trial...and pain medication.

Thank you for all of your support!

Thursday, July 15, 2010

The funny things about this...

This last week was a challenge, emotionally and physically. Despite the changes, I needed to get out of the house. A date was in order and so we went, even though there were now apparent changes to my hair. (Thanks Anne)
It was my first time out in public without a hat or scarf or anything. I was nervous. Maybe it was because Mike needed a hair cut so bad and I now had shorter hair than he did.

It was an experience watching other people watch me. I am learning what it feels like to not care what they think, just how to get comfortable with myself. I was confident that this was the right choice. I also knew I would be having the entire thing shaved at the rate those little hairs were shedding on my pillow...eewee!

I went to a family reunion with my scarf...because this was what was underneath...patches and patches. Not something I could deal with any longer....and this smile is fake by the way.

We had fun, and it was nice to get out. The very next day this is what happened.....

You can see I was a little nervous. It is my head for heavens sake...and a razor went on top!
I knew I had to face it eventually.
I will have to admit though, when it was all over, every time I look in the mirror, I scare myself a bit. My head is so white...and I look like an alien. Hmmm...whateva! It is what it is. I was so scared I would scare my little girls when they woke up the next morning. Edyn just started patting my head and saying. "Fuzzy fuzzy, all gone, Mommy has no hair or fuzzy fuzzy!"
Don't you love how kids are honest and don't judge but just love you back unconditionally.
Morghan told me I had a pretty face, then rubbed my eyebrows. I asked her politely to not touch them. I am thinking I am lucky to have them and my eyelashes as well, better not mess with them right? Morghan is such a sweet girl about it...though today she asked me if on the first day of school, I would wear my wig....what do you suppose that means?

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Pictures from the last few week

Edyn grabbed a bunch of hair from my head, you can see it just started falling 0ut.

Yea...the humor was in Grandpa always told me to eat my vegetables and I would get hair on my chest....he would be proud!

Day 13 of Chemo

I woke up looking forward to a hot shower just like the rest of my mornings, only to find many, many strands of hair to come out, I knew this day was coming, so I hurried on with my shower and carefully finished getting ready for the day.
That very night I decided to take another shower (I am a hygiene freak...two showers a day is a requirement for me.)

This was a lot more hard. What the heck happens to your hair in 12 hours? I started pulling out chunks.
This was then when I fell apart. I had so much hair just falling down the drain. I did a little hair art on the shower wall and quickly got out.
This for me was the final realization, I have cancer, and everything they are telling me is real. It was my time to finally let go and grieve.
That was a hard day.
I knew how I wanted to approach things though. My husband cut it for me. I will no doubt post pictures. Some of them a little scary, but I was so sick from the chemo that day, please bare with me.
That was day # 13 from the first chemo treatment I had.

Now what do I say from my adapted motto "Come what may and love it"

I am just having a hard week, but this too shall pass. Its just hair, and its who I am, I have freaking cancer, and I have the Lord on my side...what else could be better than knowing of the richness and fullness of the Gospel and a sweet understanding of the Atonement. Though I still don't understand "why me?" For this I am grateful and humbled to know the Lord is watching out for me, even with this great trial he has blessed me with. We cannot move on until we have learned what pain feels like.