Wednesday, June 9, 2010
I have had a really tough time processing things lately. The last 2 weeks have been prep and prepare for me. I have had some time to evaluate what my future holds and the next steps I will need to take to get through this.
The surgery is still rough for me. I still carry the little grenades hanging from under my arm pits. I have had to be pretty clever about either hiding them or stashing them down my pants....yeah, its weird. They hold the remaining fluid from the surgery. Hopefully the will die on Friday! ( I mean remove them) I have already had 1 removed and still have 2 more hanging out with me. They go with me every where, and even in the shower.
I also cut my hair last week. I was able to donate 11 inches to locks of love. I have NEVER had my hair so short, but then again, in another few weeks, I will be able to say that again.
Lets see, my daughters dad (ex husband) surprised me with a shaved head and a pink Mohawk. I about died when he walked into my house with Morghan. Apparently they had planned it with my sister in law all along. It looks pretty crazy I will have to admit, but made me cry for the support even he makes on my behalf. I am lucky to have such a healthy relationship with him, we know its all about Morghan and for this I am also grateful.
Also my friend Tami and her daughter dyed parts of their hair pink in support of my cause. It has been really wonderful to see so much support. Sometimes I feel like I am in a dream.
In the month of May, everything has happened so fast for us. So many questions, possibilities and scenarios, how do you decide and ensure you make those choices the best you can, in a limited amount of time...putting your life in the hands of these medical professionals. We know they will take care of me, but there are so many doctors on my team, I cant remember their names and what part they have with my cancer.
So I had 2 appointments today.This morning I had a small procedure which left me a little groggy. Things went well and off we went to the next appointment. This one was with the Oncologist. So much information! She let me know the tumor in my left side lymph node was a bit bigger than expected. They now tell me I am at a stage 3, because of this. The treatment will be harsh and very aggressive to ensure the tumor did not spread.
I am scheduled for an echo-cardiogram on Thursday. Friday I have yet another surgery to have my port placed beneath my collar bone.
A port is a small square shaped device placed under the skin so that the chemo can be inserted through this devise instead of a vein every time. The port will really help while the drugs are given throughout these 16 weeks.
They gave me an entire page full of information on my anti nausea regimen. It contained specific instructions day by day following each dose of chemo. There are 8 different medications I will be taking, just to help with this. I am so excited to see if they work, because this very thing has been my biggest worry.
I will be taking 3 different medications not all at once.I have an 8 week cycle of one combination and then another 8 week cycle of the other combination of drugs.
The list of side effects for each drug is daunting, but choosing to not take the treatment is obviously not an option for me.
So Friday is port day. I have the weekend off from medical visits and also Monday and Tuesday.
I start chemo on Wednesday. Yes, Wednesday is the day of the beginning of my true fight against this whole ordeal.
I gather I may get to know people going through the very same thing. Maybe I will make new friends. I am trying to look at the bright side of things, it has just been so surreal as of late.
I know I am allowed to have my ups and downs. The other day is just kind of hit me. I have breast cancer. Why me? They say I am in excellent health, young and vibrant. I wish I knew the answer right now, but I guess this too shall pass. No doubt the answers will come at some point or another, and there are 2 ways of looking at things. I could just be pissed off and grouchy, or freaking strong and brave. I am choosing bravery today.
My family needs me. my girls need a mother. I need to be there for them. I need to exhibit strong behavior my them to look upon perhaps later in life. My husband needs a wife. We have been through so much together already, this is just another piece of the puzzle.
Again, thank you to all of you for your kind support and love. I feel so very blessed to have such an group of positive influences around me. I am a lucky, lucky girl
I feel every ones support and prayers. I am at peace with the decisions we have made with my treatment. I am totally nervous, but very ready to tackle this beast.