Friday, May 28, 2010

Well that was NOT fun!

No, I didn't have fun in surgery. There...that question is answered.
It was sure fun getting there though.
Mike and I spent the night in Salt Lake and we both woke up very was 3:30am....the day of surgery.
Neither of us could get back to sleep, so we packed our stuff up from our luxurious stay at the Full service Hilton downtown Salt Lake.

While many people would say "oohh la la" about us staying at a full service Hilton, we were just there to find peace from the upcoming storm. Although I still don't get too razzed up, staying in nice hotels, IE: Marriott and Hilton products. It was nice. It was also as if it were decades ago in which I was professionally managed them. Weird how life changes so rapidly.

I didn't even inspect the room! (though many thoughts entered my head about some notable deficiencies)
Anyway...we decided to get some munchies for Mike while I was in surgery, and we ran across the chevron Breast cancer car. They had some 2008 and 2007 editions, but we thought it would be cool to have a 2010. Off we went, I googled all of the chevrons in salt lake and at 4:30 in the morning, we went from chevron to chevron to find that car. We thought it would be a funny way to remember what we had done. We didn't find a 2010 car, but settled for a 2009 car we found somewhere in Midvale, I think.

We then found ourselves destined for something cool. I remembered they had made a breast cancer barbie. So we found a 24 hour Wal-Mart and went looking for that. No pink barbie, but we did find a barbie that you could color her hair pink! I passed with that expense. So with a few more stops at Maverick and 7-11's, we couldn't find any pink tic-tacs either. Oh well, I had my car!
Long story short, we get to the hospital at 6:30.....and wait and wait and wait...and the surgery before me went over, so I finally got in for surgery at 2:30. Mike and I were trashed!

I remember waking up from surgery really parched and my lips were incredibly chapped! The surgery went for 5 hours! I feel bad for Mike, having to wait that long.
and so it went, I thew up until Wednesday morning until 7am. That's all I did. That anesthesia really did a number on me!
But I am here today, writing my blog, and proud to say...."I had a bilateral mastectomy...and I am here!"
I am in pain, but it is what it is. The upcoming road scares me quite a bit, but what will be will be....

Come what may and Love it, right?
I will let you all know when I have the "Love it" down. Maybe I need to go through this to help someone else, or my own girls in their future...who knows?

Sunday, May 23, 2010

This is the beginning of the beginning

Surgery tomorrow, need to be there extra early because they will shoot me up with this radioactive dye, which will let them know where the majority of the cancer is in the lymph nodes.
Surgery at noon. I am not sure how I feel about all of this. I have so many things going through my mind it is hard to sort them out.
When they called me to ensure I knew what do before the surgery they said:
"Fast from midnight lotions, perfumes or make jewelry."
I will have to admit, the only thing I really heard was "no lotions, or makeup"
I go into surgery feeling like they will rip me all apart...and I cant even make myself up to feel good about it.
I would like to apologize for anyone who visits before surgery...if I smell or scare you with my pasty while skin....just a warning, so don't be scared.

Here it goes....

This too shall pass...and
Come what may, and love it.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Ya, not such a good day...

So this last appointment, the one that I thought was the last, but really wasn't, cause tomorrow I have another one, anyway...the last appointment I went to, well it took the positive right out of me. I am afraid they caught my weak spot.

The Oncologist asked me what was the single most important thing he needed to know about me with this cancer.

I looked him straight in the eye...I will have to admit, I thought of allot of things I could tell him, but being a complete stranger and not wanting to waste his salary, I let him know.

" I do not want this to affect me having more kids"....

"Well...that, my dear, we will have to work with..." the doctor wasn't really kidding. When you dump that many chemicals into a persons body, you are likely to affect something. Chemo is a 4 step medicine process.
So many things can go wrong! What the crap? I have cancer...that is bad news, but I can beat it, it will go away.I am tough right?
They can take everything I have left from my body, but please, no, not my decision and right to choose to have another baby.

Now I know most of you may ask me what went wrong in my little brain that I would want to the very impossible
(for me), yet one more time. When its right, its right...and I didn't like what they were telling me.

So, to spare the details of how on earth I would want to attempt they put it "spare my fertility" we have yet another appointment tomorrow. Yuck! I thought I would have a day off!

So while I am healthy, and thinking somewhat...well thinking...I will say this:

This too shall pass....with a pinch of faith...and only because I am trying to have fun with my little adventure here, and only because my wonderful, dear friend and neighborhood mother can think of writing poems about my very dicy decision of Cheerios, Doughnuts or Angel Food cake...(that poem may end up on here, I will have to ask permission though, its great!)
and only because my sister in law gave me glitter gel toes and finger nails...and dyed my hair pink...I can attempt to blog tonight.

Yes, I have some of my hair dyed pink...really pink, like pink, pink. I know, I am so crazy! Its all gotta go in the next 4 weeks anyway, why not be daring and bold. Make a mark here on this Syracuse, er Tuscany Meadows...whatever.

Who knows, maybe the entire ward will support me and dye one or two strands pink...maybe I will start something...can you imagine the old lady's and little girls with pink strands of hair?
I love that Morghan immediately wanted to be just like me. I only hope she doesn't want to shave her head. Ya, I don't think I will have a problem with that.

I did tell her she could do it. She will totally remember it for the rest of her life. Remember when mom let me dye a strand or two pink when I was 6? Look, some of it is still there.
Oh my Moe! How I love her!

So, I am a lucky Mom of two beautiful girls, and bonus Mom of three other of Heavenly Fathers children.
I love my husband...much much much! So grateful for him.

A day at a time...that's all I need to focus on. Why is it so hard for me though? I always think at least 3 years out!

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

You are going to do what to my....huh?

Well yesterday was a bit to swallow. Plastic surgery is one of those things I guess. You are either going in because you don't like the way your body is, or your body doesn't like the way you are. I will have to admit, I didn't think it was going to be that graphic.
I wish I didn't have to do this, really. I guess I need to step back and realize that when I come forth on the morning of the first Resurrection, I will be made whole again. Its one of those things though, I guess.

The surgeon's explanation was thorough, but didn't leave me with a beautiful feeling. I know I have probably created another image in my head. I thought about asking for evidence of his previous work, but would that offend him? I just want to know I wont look like that one dude from nightmare before Christmas, because that was what I had pictured.
OK, let it go Shayla. You are at the best with the best...everything will be fine. Put it into the Lords hands.
There, done,

So this is a blog on my Breast Cancer adventure, right? No need to get graphic on here. If you want to know how my appointment went, I will just say the entire plastic surgery thing is for me to know, and only my husband to find out....and for any of you who cover their ears when a boob, or nipple is mentioned (Peat Litster) I have breast cancer. There is no way of hiding the fact that they will do this to my that and then add this and that is what will look like.
I am so going to wear a proud shirt when this is all done. The nurse already gave me a shirt that says:
"of course these are fake, the real ones tried to kill me" Gotta love it.

On a different note-
Today I meet with the Oncology group. I wonder how much I can absorb after yesterdays slightly pornographic education, with me as the subject for study. Yeah it was weird, and though that resident was helpful in answering some of my statistical questions, he was young, handsome and it was a little, er lot uncomfortable.

The Oncologist will let me know the best chemo for my situation. Its funny because most of the Drs tell me....but this is only what I recommend. It is always your choice. It puts things into perspective. I have the choice to live or die...uhh...ok. I guess I will take the advice you give me. Granted some of the things they tell me, there is an actual choice, but very limited in my situation.

I think I am done blogging for today. I had a great night of sleep, which is amazing as of late. I like to sleep , because in my dreams I don't have cancer. I am just a regular Shayla doing regular things. Its nice, then I wake up and I realize I better get going because I have another appointment. It is going to be a year of appointments! This too shall pass, right?

Just one last thing---
I apologize to those of you who I have not spoken to, on this kind of level. Some may feel they deserve a more personal explanation, others may not even care.It is too hard to tell one person all of this kind of stuff, then repeat it 100 more times that day.
I am on information overload right now. I have done my best to get my self ready, daughter off to school, baby in the appropriate hands, and then I am off to Huntsman, or the U. This has been my schedule, literally an appointment everyday, which lasts for hours. You can see, that doesn't leave me nearly enough time to get home, be with my family, process it, and go to sleep.

Please know that I wish I could answer everyones phone calls, really. Those who know me, know I would be on the phone all day with my friends and family, if possible. I am a talker! So if you call, which is fine right now, I will do my best to answer. Text is always great too! This is just a better way to update those concerned, and thank you so much for your continued support. It really means everything to me.

COME WHAT MAY AND LOVE IT....(trying really hard today to love my body)

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Understanding what lies ahead

I went to my initial Dr. appointment yesterday. The good people at Huntsman really made it easy to deal with things. other than the scale they immediately put me on. We didn't really agree, but what does it matter, I have Breast Cancer. I do understand there are more important things on my plate.

We met with the Surgeon and talked about my pathology report. He even let me take a copy home with gonna scrapbook it!
The pathology report identified the exact findings of the lump, calcification's and where we were at on the lymph nodes.
Invasive Ductal Carcinoma, Mucinous type, Moderatly differentiated, modified scarff bloom-richardson grade 2 of 3. Tubules: 2 Nuclei:3 Mitoses:1
ER Positive strong (90%)
PR Positive Strong (60%)
HER2/NEU Equivocal (2+)

There is that for anyone who cares...I am just understanding this myself.

Together, we all decided to do a double mastectomy. Yes double. I really don't want my tissue turning on me again in the next 10 years. So I decided to just have them take it all. The chance of it returning to the right side is high, and I dont want this to affect how I live my life, so I said just take it all baby, take it all!
While they are in there, they will take a look at what the lymph nodes are doing. Hopefully those little nodes did their job and didn't let anything escape. I guess we will worry about that when the time comes. I don't want to get myself all worked up about where else these little nasty bugs went throughout my body.
The good thing is, they will do most of the reconstructive surgery at the same time.

Surgery is scheduled for Monday May 24th. When I am healed from this first step, we will begin chemo. Most likely in about 3 weeks time.

Am I scared, without a doubt. I had the crappiest, most miserable pregnancy with Edyn, so I think I can get through this. I explained what I went through being pregnant to the nurse. IV's the entire time, home health care, feeding tube, etc. etc. for those of you who saw what occurred. I cant do it justice in writing. Lets just saw you had to be there.

The nurse was astounded and let me know, I may be one of the strongest chemo patients!
Maybe she doesn't know how vain I can me. I really liked my hair!

It made me feel good to know this though. I feel incredibly fortunate...yes...I said fortunate, that my pregnancy prepared me for this trial. I found a new inner strength through this thought, which brings me hope and a peaceful spirit. Its only a year of my life, or 5 as most admit
So I will look like Charlie Brown, gotta love the humer in that. My sister in law is a beautician and cant wait for me to help her tap into the "bald" market. So I let Morghan bedazzle me, or I wear a know the ones I forced my babies to wear when since they to were bald. We will get creative and laugh along the way.

I hate this, but I love it to. I am just me and not someone else I love.
What will the Lord teach me through this experience? I hope to be teachable to his whisperings.

This is defiantly Atonement worthy...that's why it is there, and I am gonna use it.

So watch and see...I will post pics as soon as I can.
I will try Elder Joseph B Wirthlin

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

How this came to be...

No doubt many of you wonder what my story is and how this all came to be. I just turned 30, I am a pretty healthy, active individual. I eat very healthy and take my supplements.

Apparently there isn't anything I could have done to prevent this. It is quite hereditary and this is something I obviously would not have known about.

I went into the Dr for my yearly exam, you know the one all of us women dread. I knew something was wrong though. I had felt a lump on my breast a few weeks prior, but I figured it was just something I would ask about.

My Dr. suggested I be seen at the Huntsman Cancer Treatment Center. She assured me they would be able to get to the bottom of things.

I was quickly scheduled for that very next week. They preformed an ultrasound and also a mammogram.
They immediately suggested I get a biopsy. We went in the very next morning for the biopsy where I was poked and prodded for 4 hours. Yes, it hurt. They took several samples from the lump, the calcification's and the very enlarged lymph node.

On Tuesday May 11th at 12:15 in the afternoon I received the call.
They said those words I had been dreading. " I am so sorry, Shayla, you have Breast Cancer"

I have cancer in the lump, in the calcification's running wild and show signs of cancer throughout my lymph nodes.

I knew it though, I had a feeling. I kept my composure for all of about 4 rings on the phone to my husbands work.
He answered and I lost it.
Its a good thing to have such a great husband. I know he is hurting, yet he has been so strong.

Yes....I have Breast Cancer, and yes, I am scared of the long road in front of me. I go in for a pre-op this Monday so we can make a plan of attack on treatments and so forth.

I can say today, I look forward to seeing what the Lord will teach me through these trying times. I cannot do this alone and I am eternally grateful for my loving Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ. Together and through the Atonement, this too shall pass.

I love all of you guys so much. I know for a fact each and every one of you has been placed in my path for a very distinct reason. Thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers and support. It means everything and I feel stronger already to know how many friends and family I have to support me.