Hello...are you alive...YES

Well much has occurred in the last month. I just finished my 6th chemo on Wednesday the 24th.
I can't believe I am almost done with this part of the cancer!
I feel really strong today. It might have something to do with the steroids? Just kidding about that...though they do pump me full of steroids the day before and the day of the chemo.

My chemo regimen changed on chemo #5. It was super fantastic compared to the first four treatments I had, which left me swallowed in the depths of my couch throwing up and helpless for 8 weeks. I am not saying I would recommended chemo to people without cancer, I am just saying that this drug has been more forgiving to me.

I am week, and my body aches, my head hurts, but I am not throwing up! I can plan a few hours with a friend, and get my daughter off to school. I can post a facebook comment from my computer instead of my cell phone and can park in a normal parking spot instead of the handicapped....mostly.

Wednesdays chemo was good. It was a very long day though. This new infusion lasts 4 hours. It makes for a really long day when you have to have labs and a Dr visit before hand.

We got to Huntsman at 9:30 am and left at 5pm. That's a full working day, and I didn't even take a lunch!

I found out I am fighting another skin infection. It is a good thing we caught it fast. I found out my final reconstruction surgery may be a little harder than I anticipated because of my infections. It may result in two surgeries. Blaaa! I am typically so focused on the end, I forget to think about today. So for right now, and maybe just for this post, I am going to slide into denial and not going to talk about my upcoming surgeries.

This round of chemo I went with one of my neighborhood moms. It was great to have her with me, though I feel bad for falling asleep from the benadryl they gave me.

We enjoyed each others company from the drive there and back. It was very comforting to have her with me. Oh how I am blessed with such good people around me!

I met a new friend at infusion. She was such a ray of sunshine. She had breast cancer 12 years ago and is going through it again. She is on the end of it though, for this 2nd time.
It was great to talk to her about what to expect. It was great to see her cute hairstyle, short and curly. She had such a great big smile on her face, I couldn't help but feel such hope inside.

I really think the Lord made it so that we would cross paths on Wednesday. I could have talked to her during the entire infusion, but they put us on opposite ends of the room. We did get to chat before infusion....and that in its self was a blessing.

I got to talk with my wonderful Seattle Mom today. Shes my Marriott Mom! She's as strong as they come! I am not kidding you...I am who I am today because of her.
She was great to talk with as well. She gave me a ton of encouragement, a bunch of advice, and a dandy lift of spirits. I just love her so much! My heart aches for the good friends I miss right now in Seattle.
When I beat cancer thing I totally need to visit Seattle. It is my peaceful place!
I have a ton of hope today. I guess when that happens its a good thing.

I have much to be thankful for, and I am very grateful for the rain that is falling outside this moment.

I too should remember to "Come what May and Love it"
I forgot in the last few weeks...so sorry to those who may have seen me at my weak moments!

It was a good, good day

Today was a good day and yes,
I am here, alive, for anyone still interested in me or my life.
This morning I learned three valuable things from three totally different sources
and here they are:

#1 There are cute blogs out there, you just need to change them.
So sorry for anyone who followed me before. Can you believe I had the worlds most boring template, with a bunch of bald pictures of me on it? So, if you still follow me, this site will get a make over...just be patient. If you are still interested that is.

#2 I should blog even on the Xela and the very horrible no good very bad days, days, but not on the days when, and if, I cant get off the couch because I am fighting 3 infections, which I don't know about yet, so I am aching in pain, on the couch... sending my 6 year old to the kitchen for food into the pantry of death (smells like that because I left a bag of oranges in the corner and they rotted but I didn't find them until I threw up in the trash because of the smell) anyway...where was I?

I will separate the paragraph because I believe this is a poprocks moment...I just know it! That is what they would call me at work...because I bounced from subject to subject....

So the point being, I should blog more, unless I need to be admitted to the hospital!

By the way, I did get admitted to the hospital. After Mondays total couch day and after suffering and laying there in the complete anguish, Tuesday I woke up in so much pain I couldn't deal with it anymore.
We dropped the girls off at my sister in laws house without much notice and drove to the hospital.
Every minute in the car was horrible. I felt as if my life were ending (remember I don't know I am fighting 3 infections yet).
I plead with the Lord to take it from me. I begged....and cried the whole way.
All I could utter was "No No No No No!"
My thoughts were more geared into thinking it was the chemo, and it didn't occur to me that I could really be sick. I kept thinking I would not go in for another chemo, that I would quit and not continue, if this was how it would be.

That drive to Huntsman went on forever.....you would think there would be a Huntsman drive by now...from the freeway straight to the hospital...now there is an idea! Thousands work up there every day, why not a Huntsman drive?

It will probably come after my cancer is through. The U was under construction the entire time I was pregnant, Huntsman is under construction right now while I have cancer...why not make the drive easier....after we make all those trips up there.
Ok enough said....the drive was horrible.

We finally make it up there Tuesday morning and I am just out of control tears while my husband is wheeling me through the lobby, elevators and finally to the desk.

They immediately got me in. Thank goodness because there was another cancer guy there waiting, he was dressed all nice and kind of GQed out and bald like me, but a guy, and I swear he had just had a talk with Tony Robins. He looked like a million bucks and I was still in my pj's crying in a wheel chair.

They took care of me real quickly though. They gathered all of the blood and urine they could ever want and went straight to work.

I felt a lot better even being there because I knew I would get help.
They got an IV in after an hour and besides laying on an exam table for 3 hours after that, I felt pretty darn good.

I laid on the table in a ball while they were finding out what the source of this whole things could be and they found 3 sources....3 infections, one very big one.

Not going to share what they were, because, well, that's just personal and you will just have to talk to me face to face or wonder the rest of your life, that is if you still care or want to follow me with my out of date blog and all.

So I was indeed sick. Pretty sick. Like it was a good thing I came in and I would defiantly die quickly if not treated, kind of sick. Duh though, I would have died from the pain anyway.
After all of that, I was admitted and given a more comfortable bed that's really, still not comfortable...but better than the couch piece thing that my husband would be sleeping on that very night.

I stayed put there for 24 hours. It seemed to do the trick, and so I am here now, nearly 5 am, have not slept for the night, writing my blog.

Oh and I have a #3 to tell!

#3 I have gained some knowledge this morning that will be helpful in helping me survive this cancer and help me to be healthy and happier as a person, inside and out.

It is my assured knowledge that the Lord knows where to guide certain people into my life. I dare say....oh I will say it....had I not had a conversation with this person this morning I may have wasted many more future days or weeks with this disease and not have learned a thing. I would have passed by so many opportunities that are really at my door right this moment even.
So thank you...angel sent from heaven. Thank you for your friendship and for being in my life, and coming back into my life for that matter!


I think that's it for today. After all I covered last night and this morning in one!

and so, Come what may...and Love it! Because guess what, I have something to learn from all of this and either way, I am going to grow and change.
It is better than staying stagnant and not growing.
Today I am even more thankful for this trial...and pain medication.

Thank you for all of your support!

The funny things about this...

This last week was a challenge, emotionally and physically. Despite the changes, I needed to get out of the house. A date was in order and so we went, even though there were now apparent changes to my hair. (Thanks Anne)
It was my first time out in public without a hat or scarf or anything. I was nervous. Maybe it was because Mike needed a hair cut so bad and I now had shorter hair than he did.

It was an experience watching other people watch me. I am learning what it feels like to not care what they think, just how to get comfortable with myself. I was confident that this was the right choice. I also knew I would be having the entire thing shaved at the rate those little hairs were shedding on my pillow...eewee!



I went to a family reunion with my scarf...because this was what was underneath...patches and patches. Not something I could deal with any longer....and this smile is fake by the way.















We had fun, and it was nice to get out. The very next day this is what happened.....




You can see I was a little nervous. It is my head for heavens sake...and a razor went on top!
I knew I had to face it eventually.
I will have to admit though, when it was all over, every time I look in the mirror, I scare myself a bit. My head is so white...and I look like an alien. Hmmm...whateva! It is what it is. I was so scared I would scare my little girls when they woke up the next morning. Edyn just started patting my head and saying. "Fuzzy fuzzy, all gone, Mommy has no hair or fuzzy fuzzy!"
Don't you love how kids are honest and don't judge but just love you back unconditionally.
Morghan told me I had a pretty face, then rubbed my eyebrows. I asked her politely to not touch them. I am thinking I am lucky to have them and my eyelashes as well, better not mess with them right? Morghan is such a sweet girl about it...though today she asked me if on the first day of school, I would wear my wig....what do you suppose that means?

Pictures from the last few week

Morghan doing my hair for the last time in awhile

Edyn grabbed a bunch of hair from my head, you can see it just started falling 0ut.

They both got a little into it. Kinda gross, but we made some time to laugh!

Yea...the humor was in check...my Grandpa always told me to eat my vegetables and I would get hair on my chest....he would be proud!

A little before shot, before Mike started his buzzers!

Sorry for the attitude, Mike was going for a Mohawk and I WASNT REALLY FEELING IT!

Day 13 of Chemo

I woke up looking forward to a hot shower just like the rest of my mornings, only to find many, many strands of hair to come out, I knew this day was coming, so I hurried on with my shower and carefully finished getting ready for the day.
That very night I decided to take another shower (I am a hygiene freak...two showers a day is a requirement for me.)




This was a lot more hard. What the heck happens to your hair in 12 hours? I started pulling out chunks.
This was then when I fell apart. I had so much hair just falling down the drain. I did a little hair art on the shower wall and quickly got out.
This for me was the final realization, I have cancer, and everything they are telling me is real. It was my time to finally let go and grieve.
That was a hard day.
I knew how I wanted to approach things though. My husband cut it for me. I will no doubt post pictures. Some of them a little scary, but I was so sick from the chemo that day, please bare with me.
That was day # 13 from the first chemo treatment I had.



Now what do I say from my adapted motto "Come what may and love it"

I am just having a hard week, but this too shall pass. Its just hair, and its who I am, I have freaking cancer, and I have the Lord on my side...what else could be better than knowing of the richness and fullness of the Gospel and a sweet understanding of the Atonement. Though I still don't understand "why me?" For this I am grateful and humbled to know the Lord is watching out for me, even with this great trial he has blessed me with. We cannot move on until we have learned what pain feels like.

I am back...

I have been a little hesitant to get back on here. I have had some pretty emotional days as of late.
Since the last post, I have my port placed on June 11th. It was pretty easy for me. It will be such a life savor for me during this entire process.

I had my first round of chemo on Wed June 16th.
We arrived at 8 in the morning. The first thing they did was some blood work on me. They ensure my white cells are where they need to be. They mix the chemo blend according to my labs that day. They then begun the infusion through my port. I didn't feel them accessing my port at all. This port thing is such a wonderful thing!

It took about 4 hours when it was all said and done. I fell asleep for some of it and was off in a daze for the rest. I think I need to get a major playlist going on for the future. Music may really help me get through this.

We went to go home and that's when I could feel it. I felt like I needed to lay down in the fetal position. I was exhausted from the treatment already. So Mike drove me home while I laid all of the seats down flat in the back of our pilot. I was so tired I didn't care my dog has just been back there a week ago...ugghh! Next time I will bring my favorite snugly blanket and a pillow for the ride home.
Its always good to know what to expect for the next time. I am glad the first one is done and I have 7 more to go.
I ended up feeling like I had the flu for about 5 days. I was very tired, achy and fatigued for that time. After the 5th day, I started to feel a little better. It was really good to have the option to just go to sleep when I needed to. I was lucky enough to have my 12 year old niece Megan with me that very week. She played with my girls and kept them occupied. It was a definite blessing for me to have her around.
Sunday morning we went for a little bike ride and it felt good to get some fresh air.

So that is my first chemo experience.
I have felt pretty fatigued and achy again today. I think things are starting to take effects. It has been reminded to me by my oncologist that my days with hair are now very limited....but you know what i can say, this too shall pass and hair is just hair.

Come what may and Lovin it...right?

New Information

I have had a really tough time processing things lately. The last 2 weeks have been prep and prepare for me. I have had some time to evaluate what my future holds and the next steps I will need to take to get through this.

The surgery is still rough for me. I still carry the little grenades hanging from under my arm pits. I have had to be pretty clever about either hiding them or stashing them down my pants....yeah, its weird. They hold the remaining fluid from the surgery. Hopefully the will die on Friday! ( I mean remove them) I have already had 1 removed and still have 2 more hanging out with me. They go with me every where, and even in the shower.

I also cut my hair last week. I was able to donate 11 inches to locks of love. I have NEVER had my hair so short, but then again, in another few weeks, I will be able to say that again.

Lets see, my daughters dad (ex husband) surprised me with a shaved head and a pink Mohawk. I about died when he walked into my house with Morghan. Apparently they had planned it with my sister in law all along. It looks pretty crazy I will have to admit, but made me cry for the support even he makes on my behalf. I am lucky to have such a healthy relationship with him, we know its all about Morghan and for this I am also grateful.
Also my friend Tami and her daughter dyed parts of their hair pink in support of my cause. It has been really wonderful to see so much support. Sometimes I feel like I am in a dream.

In the month of May, everything has happened so fast for us. So many questions, possibilities and scenarios, how do you decide and ensure you make those choices the best you can, in a limited amount of time...putting your life in the hands of these medical professionals. We know they will take care of me, but there are so many doctors on my team, I cant remember their names and what part they have with my cancer.

So I had 2 appointments today.This morning I had a small procedure which left me a little groggy. Things went well and off we went to the next appointment. This one was with the Oncologist. So much information! She let me know the tumor in my left side lymph node was a bit bigger than expected. They now tell me I am at a stage 3, because of this. The treatment will be harsh and very aggressive to ensure the tumor did not spread.
I am scheduled for an echo-cardiogram on Thursday. Friday I have yet another surgery to have my port placed beneath my collar bone.
A port is a small square shaped device placed under the skin so that the chemo can be inserted through this devise instead of a vein every time. The port will really help while the drugs are given throughout these 16 weeks.

They gave me an entire page full of information on my anti nausea regimen. It contained specific instructions day by day following each dose of chemo. There are 8 different medications I will be taking, just to help with this. I am so excited to see if they work, because this very thing has been my biggest worry.

I will be taking 3 different medications not all at once.I have an 8 week cycle of one combination and then another 8 week cycle of the other combination of drugs.
The list of side effects for each drug is daunting, but choosing to not take the treatment is obviously not an option for me.

So Friday is port day. I have the weekend off from medical visits and also Monday and Tuesday.
I start chemo on Wednesday. Yes, Wednesday is the day of the beginning of my true fight against this whole ordeal.

I gather I may get to know people going through the very same thing. Maybe I will make new friends. I am trying to look at the bright side of things, it has just been so surreal as of late.

I know I am allowed to have my ups and downs. The other day is just kind of hit me. I have breast cancer. Why me? They say I am in excellent health, young and vibrant. I wish I knew the answer right now, but I guess this too shall pass. No doubt the answers will come at some point or another, and there are 2 ways of looking at things. I could just be pissed off and grouchy, or freaking strong and brave. I am choosing bravery today.
My family needs me. my girls need a mother. I need to be there for them. I need to exhibit strong behavior my them to look upon perhaps later in life. My husband needs a wife. We have been through so much together already, this is just another piece of the puzzle.

Again, thank you to all of you for your kind support and love. I feel so very blessed to have such an group of positive influences around me. I am a lucky, lucky girl
I feel every ones support and prayers. I am at peace with the decisions we have made with my treatment. I am totally nervous, but very ready to tackle this beast.